Lipo in a Can – Who Knew?!
Today’s inspiration comes from a Star Tribune (Minneapolis) writer named James Lileks. I’m impressed, because not only is he on to something, he’s not afraid to make people laugh while reading a (semi) major U.S. Daily.
We’re all familiar with diet soft drinks. It began with one-calorie varieties. But then someone decided, oooh… sorry just not diet enough! They eventually gave way to “zero” calorie options. As the author notes:
“You thought you were so cool, with your one-calorie drink, but little did you know that [someone] had managed to eliminate even the final, stubborn calorie, the one that always hung on the side of the can and wouldn't let go. You can almost imagine the moment they perfected the formula, and the lone calorie squirted out of the test tube like a watermelon seed…”
I mean, what can be less than zero? Before you go fact checking with your pre-Calculus teacher on the absolute values of calories in your diet sidekick (there’s a rumor I have mine on speed-dial), consider the future. The uncharted frontier! Forget curing cancer and solving the world’s energy crisis, this is what needs our devoted and immediate attention…
Are you ready for this?
Diet Minus-Forty. That’s right – the new era of diet soft drinks are not just “no-calorie” they are negative calorie -- “liposuction in a can.” Better than a trip to the gym, because you could get rid of 200 calories just by drinking 5 cans! And hey – that can be done at the office, while driving, even while sleeping if you’re lucky enough to have access to IV equipment.
I won’t be sharing the news with my current diet drinks that they may one day be replaced. I wouldn’t want them to become upset and leave me. But I’ll certainly continue holding on to a thin sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, my future holds a soul mate that is more diet drink than anything I have known before. To cola infinity and beyond!
Hail to the Blue
So you think I’m a step behind the times just because I like the blue… Well listen here buddy -- I’ll have you know that to me, blue is refreshing. It tastes better than the “other colors.” I may be a lot of things, but I am NOT old… yet. So I live alone, taking companionship from a cat. So what if I choose to wear the same brand of hairpins that my grandmother does. And who cares that I consider the Music Man a fine piece of musical theatre?
According to you I’m no rebel, nor am I trendy. But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit here and let you call me “behind the times.”
What am I ranting about you may ask? Apparently a Mr. De La Cruz that works with the Sun-Sentinel (in the retirement state of Florida of all places) thinks which sweetener people use says something about them: “You see, in my sugar-overcoated mind, I swear each sweetener has its own personality. Pink is old school. Blue used to be cool. But now yellow is the rule,” says De La Cruz.
Then he goes on to say: “For example, when I go into a restaurant and all they're offering are little pink Sweet 'N Low packets, I immediately recognize I'm dealing with a rebel establishment. A restaurant or coffee shop that's either too cheap, or too stubborn, to change. Either way, a rebel. Go into a bistro that offers only blue and you know you're dealing with a place that's a step behind the times. Yellow means they're actively trying to stay trendy.”
Yes I may begin a lot of stories with, “Back in my day…” but blue just tastes better in my coffee! It’s crisp and clean in my Starbucks dark roast. It’s refreshing in my southern sweet tea. And who are you to imply that I am uncool for not using Splenda? Ok fine… I admit it – I like aspartame! It tastes better in my drinks. And just because I don’t want to be like everyone else racing through the local coffee shop every morning, doesn’t mean I’m stuck thinking big bangs, stonewashed jeans and mullets are hip items.
However he did state one piece of truth in the entire article – “It's like anything else that's such an integral part of our lives. We take our pastel packets personally.”
You got that right buddy. Hail to the blue.
